I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
