I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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