After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize