After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Randomize