I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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