We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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