I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
