A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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