I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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