I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
