remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
