you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
