I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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