That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
