Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
