Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
