is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
