i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
