I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Randomize
