The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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