Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
did i just pee glitter
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
