i don't like sucking hair
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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