the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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