my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
