Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
