i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
