Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
