drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
