Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
