Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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