i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
