There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize