just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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