There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize