every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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