You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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