One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My dick has a subreddit
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
