I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
