They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
