i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
