So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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