I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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