his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize