he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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