You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
50% drunk capacity currently
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
