Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
