im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I feel great
I just peed on a car
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
