i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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