And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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