I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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