you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
