the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
