The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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