Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize