11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize