ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
