and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
