Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
