Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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