ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Girls should come with a carfax report
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
