I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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