Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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