He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
